[Train 533]

An abrupt downpour striked on my head while I just parked my car in the arcade. It began from this Monday morning, brought me back to my hometown, a city of vapors. Sitting in my car, I sent a message to Mom for my apology that I can't call her back today. I recall having been to Mu-Cha elementary school to visit Mom about three years ago today, April 21st, I was in Military Band then.



I rushed from Ta-an to Taipei main station with the shortest way to keep off the inevitable tragical ending last Sunday night. Hurried into the carriage, I found it seems silly to buy tickets for reserved seats on the last train...it was empty, almost.

One of the advantages of hitching the last bus/train is, you may use spaces more than what you pay for.Sitting on the middle, spreading out the supper on the window seat, I opened my laptop on, began to work on papers, reports and essays, trying to save more time before going home at midnight.

I still can't figure it out even now. I was in conscious of weeping, absence of my mind , when I looked out the window subconsciously, in the section between Ban-ciao and Hsin-chu. I did make it in time to hitch on the train this time...

Calmly.




Without making any decision or thinking through anything else, hate or affection, I just stayed silence, letting teardrops rolling over my cheek bony.




It might be unnatural...I mean, facial expression. I was a mixture with formal dress, food in one hand, another hand on keyboard, looking straight outside the window with tear dropping in seized posture. An attendant paused her steps a bit, maybe she's going to offer me tissues?

I dried my eyes without making any sound, even sob or bawl.

Stepped out of the station with 300 NT parking charges payment, I drove home silently.




It is not so irrelevant to things below.
Actually I did know, even I said thousand times that I don't know.

Knowing the reason why rebellious clients are obdurate, greedy, and never satified with what they have so far. It seems that they are borned to be treated in high-level ways. Knowing the reason why some people outrageously torture those who might be the stumbling stone on the way, to disparage, cheapen, criticize the victims. Then we have role reversal.

People are used to kick the obstruction away from the route, whatever it is. It is useless to make all efforts to help them to know the truth if they are not willing to change the viewpoint. The more effort you pay, the more judgement you have-if you are out of the circle they draw.

It can't be called "BAD", it's just not "GOOD ENOUGH", in their way.

"The justice and righteousness won't be delayed in eternal life". I was told before.


I guess most people consider themselves as the embodiment of lustitia, no wonder how chaos the world is.


It keeps raining outside.


"I am waiting for my first snow scene in life". I told classmates once, just can't remember when.




With scattered lyrics and unfinished songs around, I realize that it is wintertime already.

I just made my choice, from the very beginnning to wherever I should go.


3/10 years.



















剛停好車，突如其來的大雨又將我的微波便當夢拖宕了一下。從週一早上開始，間歇的暴雨，讓我不停想起那充滿水氣的故鄉。在車內傳了個簡訊給老媽，跟她說抱歉今天不能回電話。想起三年前的今天，我在上政大拍照之前跑去木柵國小找老媽玩順便拉了下單槓，那是剛進樂隊的時候。



週日晚上，從大安站一路趕到車站，最短路線已了然於胸，因為我知道趕不上車的悲慘結果。發車前三分鐘衝進空空如也的車廂...也對，哪個神經病會在末班車還買對號座？冷門時刻的好處是，買單人座可以使用三人份的位置：坐中間，把包包放在靠窗的位置，食物攤開在靠走道的桌子上，把筆電平放在腿上搶時間寫報告跟做考古題。到現在還是不明白，明明這次有趕上列車，為什麼會在到新竹之前這段路程，下意識望著窗外的一片漆黑，



靜靜地哭了。



很平靜。

既沒有做什麼決定，也沒有想通什麼，既不恨，也不感動。就只是怔怔地一動不動，讓淚水慢慢滲出，一顆一顆，順著臉頰滑下。




我想當時的表情應該很怪吧，一個穿著整齊的大男生，一手拿著便當盒，一手按著鍵盤，望著窗外一動也不動，眼淚撲簌簌直流。從身邊經過的服務員步伐好像頓了一下，或許是在考慮要不要拿面紙給我。

在到站前把眼淚擦掉，從頭到尾沒發出一點聲音。

走出午夜的月台，付了三百元的停車費，靜靜開車回家。









其實跟以下的事情不完全有關，



不能老是說不知道，其實我是知道的。

知道為什麼那些費盡心思幫忙爭取好價錢跟好籌碼的客戶，用量少沒關係，反而貪得無饜，咄咄逼人，一副天經地義的表情，好像天生就應該被優等對待。知道為什麼有些人可以肆無忌憚地用明目張膽或者精美包裝的攻擊，毀謗，傷害別人，並且留下一句好似客觀並且無可奈何的結尾評語。然後人們不停地角色互換上演同樣的戲碼。


因為有人擋了他們的路，或者說他們這樣認為，所以出手毫不手軟，沒有猶豫。就算用最快的速度幫他們搬開路上的石頭，換來的也是無止盡的嚴苛以及背上的另一刀。

不是不好，而是不夠好...在所謂的"圈子"裡，人做出來的圈子。






以前聽過人說，那些公理正義，如果放在永恆來看，就不會來得太晚了。

但若人人都認為自己是公理正義的那方呢？而且搶著要在現世就獲得回報.....
也難怪，世界上紛爭不會停的。



雨還在下。

忘了哪次對補習班的同學分享說，自己在等著人生中的第一場雪。
看著手邊未完成的曲子，零散的詞，突然發現四周已是皚皚一片。


我只是作了選擇，從一開始，走到最後的最後。



三年來。

求神在祂僕人身上掌權，並讓聖靈在他的生命中結出聖靈的果子。